Comments on: Silver Tiger, Part One

By: Tami

Tami — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:47:16 +0000

I think it would also depend on how she was raised. Thinking things like she said is one thing, but saying them aloud is another. Was she taught that women were ornaments, to be seen but not heard? Or was she given free rein and always seen as the amusing center of attention, and thus throws a fit when she doesn’t succeed? If she feels so differently about the mechanicals than the rest of the people she’s with – where did she get the idea that they were perverse? Was there a person in her life who shared their opinion on it, or did she have something happen when she was younger to make her have such a vividly different opinion of them?

I think this is gonna be a GREAT story. You’ve already got a fantastic world concept and the skill to write it. And not all characters have to be endearing from the start (quite a lot of female anime characters rub me the wrong way, so do take my advice with a grain of salt).

By: krizzlybear

krizzlybear — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:47:41 +0000

awesome tami. your crit has huge merit here, and i agree with you on it. i’ll look it over when editing time comes…not sure when that will be, but i’m sure it will be sometime AFTER nano ;_;

that being said, i think the dead mouse comment was probably a little too harsh. it was nagging in my mind, but i wanted that abrupt interruption that you mentioned. she IS a princess after all, i think it’s a bit emotionally inconsistent that she would turn out to be so bratty, especially in public, but at the same time have the mindset to want to end her life. but hey, at least i committed to the melancholy, so i think i will try to adjust it accordingly

much looove tam!

By: Tami

Tami — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:00:19 +0000

Wheee! Very strong start AND finish (very difficult to accomplish!).

I love the ending (perfectly done!) and the contrast between the lyrical start and the abrupt “burnt fish and dead mouse” comment.

I also really enjoyed the paragraph near the middle, where Misako talks about what life in the palace was like, and how it was ‘perverted’ by the train tracks.

There is only one small crit I’d offer (and then only because you asked) and it is that Misako is not terribly endearing. She makes rude comments aloud, and (poor thing) grew up a princess. It’s difficult to get a sense of her, but the first impression is one of a petulant child, refusing to eat and being rude to her elders.

Some of that changes with that lovely paragraph in the center, when you find out that a lot of her unhappiness comes from hating the mechanical progress so very much, but even her overly dramatic attempt to kill herself comes across as more teenage emoangst than a genuine hopelessness.

Mind you, it’s incredibly possible that that is your INTENT with her – she’s young, and teenagers should be written as teenagers – but I don’t LIKE her yet.

However, even so, I WANT to like her, and I definitely want to know what’s going on with those bandits!!